When To Fight

A few nights ago, I got into a conversation with some friends about an interesting topic. It's not something often discussed anymore-- not because it isn't an issue-- but because convention has dictated that you never do it and it is always wrong. I'm talking about fighting and when to do it.

Before I get into that, I would just like to remark that in cultures where violence is not only possible but probable, courtesy is more common. I live in San Francisco and you pretty much can't buy a fight here but the asshole density rating here is among the highest in the world as far as I'm concerned. In Hawaii where I grew up, a breach in courtesy was sure to lead to fisticuffs so I learned to be respectul and pay attention to what was coming out of my mouth. I'm positive that most San Franciscans never learned this skill.

Bear in mind, when I'm talking about fighting, I don't mean beating your wife, girlfriend, kids, etc. As far as I'm concerned, a fight happens between two men. I don't care about the size differential or the relative skill levels. All that matters is that all the combatants (not necessarily 2) willingly engage in the fight. Part and parcel of being able to discuss physical violence coherently is the ability to make distinctions and this is my first, most basic one. Okay, let's get to it.

My rule about fighting is simple. If I'm scared-- even a little-- I fight. Let me back up a bit. Most people get into the martial arts to learn how to defend themselves. I could always instinctively do that. I don't remember not being able to fight. Martial arts started off as a sport and it wasn't until I was older that I realized that I could use those skills in a street fight. I know that seems strange but fighting and my sport were naturally kept separate until an instructor showed me where they intersected. When that happened, my ability to fight skyrocketed and the arts then became a technical pursuit. I still hadn't encountered the question of when to fight because at that point in my life, the answer was simple... every time the chance came up. I also realize that I was lucky to grow up in a place where this was possible. Fights were common in Hawaii. Guns were not. I might worry about being stabbed or bludgeoned to death but I never worried about being shot.

Back to my original point. If I'm scared, I fight. Why? My struggle was never with violence per se. It was with fear and more specifically, the lies fear allows us to tell ourselves to escape what we know we must do. At this point in my life, I'm not really concerned with catching a beating but I do struggle with fear everyday. One of my favorite lyrics is from a Henry Rollins song: "Please let me see the faults that my ego denies me." Mine's is more: "Please let me see the lies that fear allows me to tell myself." See what happens is that falling into the fear trap allows a person to justify cowardice. If I choose to walk away from a fight, it'll be because it's the right thing to do, not because I'm scared. Who knows the difference? Only me but in my heart, I will know the truth and if I let myself off the hook at this seminal moment, it becomes progressively easier to do that in other areas of my life.

My friend responded to this philosophy by saying that he doesn't do a lot of things because he's scared. He walks away from fights because he's afraid he might lose. To my mind, that's not okay with me. You don't get into a fight upon measuring that you can win. Where's the honor in that? You fight because it's the right thing to do. I suppose if you're one of those who thinks it's never right, this will make no sense to you. But there are plenty of good reasons to fight. If you have none, then I feel very sorry for you.

Fighting's a serious thing and should be treated seriously. I don't want anybody to think that I go around getting into fights. I haven't been in an unsanctioned altercation in almost 10 years. The interesting thing was that after of few years of this attitude, I just stopped being scared. I regularly walk away from fights and suffer none of the toxic aftermath most men have to contend with after the adrenaline rush wears off. I'm able to de-escalate many a potential fight simply because the parties involved sense no fear in me. What too many of us seem to have forgetten is that fear entices the predator and increases the chances of violence actually happening. I believe that people who chose to engage with me can feel my lack of fear and this often ends it before anything hapens. Fear is the problem. It's always been the problem and until we learn to deal with it effectively, the basest instincts of mankind will always prevail.