Some Thoughts on the South

I remain ambivalent about the South. Truthfully, the whole area would be easy for me to dismiss except for the fact that Southern people play such an important role in my life. I'm drawn to the Southern sensibility-- its courtesy and regard for tradition and patriotism. But it is this same sensibility that drives me so crazy.

I don't remember what we were discussing but my friend-- a young Southern lady of breeding and intelligence-- remarked that I had bad manners because I had corrected her. I found her comment interesting because it said so much about her on many levels. Was she saying that because she was a lady, it was rude of me to correct her? Or that it's just rude to correct a false statement in general? And clearly, this rule didn't apply to her because she was correcting me. Did she rate immunity because she was a woman or because she simply didn't see the irony.

Whatever the case may be, it really amplified my disconnect with Southern life. The idea of not correcting an incorrect idea because of courtesy seems anathema to me. Sure, I may choose to be discreet if I just met the person in question but among good friends? It that was is to be called "good manners?" No, thank you. Not for me.

And this leads me to an idea that really bothers me in general. So much of the trouble in the world is caused by people who confuse manners with customs. In the South and many other foreign traditional societies, people often see manners as a sign of character. Because of this, outsiders are often seen as lower-class or rude simply because they do not share the same customs. This is unfortunate but even more tragic is the propensity to consider a person with impeccable manners as a person of character. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Condemning a person simply because he doesn't know your provincial rules is absurd and foolish. As a rule of thumb, I try to adopt the local custom in whatever area I happen to be in but I will not do so amongst good friends who I assume already know my character and love me for who I am.

On the other hand, I've seen a level of consideration in Southern society that I haven't seen in any other part of America. Recently, at a friends wedding, I observed his sons brave the torrential down pour to bring in the guests' shoes which had unfortunately been left in the rain. Not only did they rescue the footwear, they spent the extra time to sort them out properly. And they did this without prompting and without thought of reward. I was impressed both by the young men and with their father, my friend. In fact, of the many reasons I have to be proud of this gentleman's friendship, his sons' behavior do him the greatest honor. Somebody said that you'll only find young men like that in the South. I balked at the idea but after more thought, I had to agree. I've seen behavior like that nowhere else. And while I don't believe that manners are a sure fire indicator of character, I do believe that what a person does while no one is looking surely is.

Southern woman still enjoy this priveleges position in society that makes them decidely difficult to deal with. They still enjoy and expect all the priveleges that go with being a proper lady but they are also claiming the rights and priveleges of the modern, independent woman. Personally, I don't believe that they can or should have it both ways. You either choose to be treated as an equal or you ask for the proper deference a gentleman pays a lady but either way, your behavior has to reflect the choice you make. You cannot ask to be treated as a equal and then cry foul when it gets too rough. Enduring that, asking for no quarter, is what makes you an equal. Anything less is, well... less.

I say this but at the same time, I find that desire to be both charming. Intellectually, I don't like it but it appeals to a certain part of me. I guess that makes me part of the problem even though I'm not Southern.