The 3 Day Plan

This installment will fulfill an obligation of honor made many years ago to a young boy who is now an impressive young man. Years ago, I had made a promise to a young teenager that I would share with him my foolproof 3 day plan for getting a date with any cocktail waitress when he graduated from St. Cyr. (There was never any doubt that he was going) Unlike like his father, I was not dashing, debonair, rich and titled so I had to resort to planning for such things. As always, a disciplined mind and a willingness to plan had always been on my side.I did not remember this promise but he reminded me recently of it as he is graduating soon from St. Cyr and will take his place on the line. So here, Laurent my nephew, from a proud Uncle is the plan. It may take some practice but once mastered, use with caution.

The first thing you must remember about cocktail waitresses is that they get hit on by everybody. They've heard every line, every come on, absolutely everything. Approach them with anything sounding like a line and you'd better be rich, famous or look like Brad Pitt if you're hoping to get anywhere. If she's been a cocktail waitress for longer than six months, she will generally have a pretty low opinion of men. Your job is not to be one of those guys.

So let's say you have a cocktail waitress in mind. Be willing to devote some time and money to this endeavor. If you're just looking to get laid, well there are easier ways to go about it and I don't have very much interest in being of assitance. But if you're looking for a real shot, I can help. First of all, avoid the bar at peak hours when she will be busy, anooyed or probably both. Go at the beginning or end of it. That's good too because it helps to separate you from the crowd. The first day of your plan, don't make eye contact with her at all. Find a spot at the bar nearest the station where she gets her drinks from the bartender. If it isn't open, wait. Once you get there, keep quiet and slowly over the course of a few hours, make friends with the bartender. Remember, no eye contact with the lady in question. This process depends on you beind socially adept to befriend the bartender. If you can't do that, then you better start with that skill before you move up the food chain. Let me give you a tip to help you on your way though. Order a man's drink. Nothing fruity. Nothing in a martini glass unless it's an actual martini. Take the time to learn about different alcohols. If you don't know, ask. Don't be pushy or demand that you be treated like a VIP. Be patient and it will all fall into place.

Let's suppose you're not a total Barney and you've made friends with the bartender. You're laughing and joking around and he's calling you by your first name. Eventually, the waitress in question will have to interupt your conversation to get a drink. Apologize for getting in her way, smile at her and then don't look at ther again. You're night is not over until this has happened. If it never happens for whatever reason, consider Day 1 unfinished business. Tip the bartender well, far more than you'd normally. I figure 20 bucks for every hour you've spent at his bar. This wil tell the bartender that you value his time. Your social interaction earlier with him will tell him you're not trying to buy influence and are just throwing Daddy's money around. Leave quickly after paying. Don't say bye to her. Don't make eye contact. And for Christ's sake, don't get drunk or close down the bar.

Day 2 should happen no later than one week but not the next day. You might have to play Espion a bit to make sure she's working. Do not ask any of her coworkers about her schedule. This time, go the bar later in the evening, maybe an hour or two before closing. After drinking and continuing you good rapport with the bartender (who will remember you and introduce you to the other bartenders if he hasn't done so already), ask if there's any after hours joints. Ask where the bar staff goes to blow off steam after work. They will go somewhere. And trust me, where they go will probably be about as much fun as you can have in that city. Now the bar shuts down and the bar staff goes to their local with you in tow. Don't be loud. Don't attract attention to yourself. The object of your desire has to deal with pushy men all night. Be different. Once you get to the Local, don't talk to her until somebody introduces her to you. I'll leave it up to you to find a way to be in her vicinity for this to happen. When it does, be nice and casual and talk about her. Very important: remember her answers to questions you've asked because she will. Keep in mind that she's going to be immediately suspicious of all new men in their group. It is your goal to slip past those defenses by easing her mind. If at any point her defenses go up, well, you've blown it. File the experience under "learning" and move on. This will go nowhere and you'll waste your time and look like an ass if you continue to pursue. But if it goes well, you should be having a nice conversation and she should be saying to herself, "Wow, he's not at all like the assholes I have to serve." Leave before everybody else does, like you have someplace else to go, even if to bed because you have something important the next day. Say bye to everybody the same way.

Now if you've done this correctly, she will be wondering about you and a wondering woman is a curious woman and an uncontrollable woman. This can either work to your favor or not. Here, if she's wondering, it's defintely in your favor. She'll aske the bartender about you. He'll say that you're a nice guy who knows his liquors, keeps to himself, and tips well. She'll say to herself, "A guy who obviously spends time in bars but not to hit on chicks. Interesting." And she will wonder about you.

Day 3 is the big day. If you've done your prep correctly, she'll be really happy to see you. Again, no longer than a week, but not the next day. Sit by her station and talk to her whenever you can. If the feeling is right, and you'll know it because she'll be asking you if you're going to do anything else that evening, ask her for a drink when she gets off work. If she closes, offer to take her to get something to eat- even Denny's. The point is alone time but in a casual non-threatening way. If she starts to look uncomfortable, make it sound like you're inviting the bartender and whomever too. You read the situation incorrectly and should continue your Day 2 plan of action until she is more comfortable with you. If you have tickets to something cool or an activity planned, you can also ask her if she would like to do it with you. If she into art, do your homework and offer to take her to an art museum. Don't act like you know anything about it if you don't. Don't lie. We're not trying to trick anybody here. If everything has gone smoothly, she'll accept, particularly if it's a daylight thing, and then you're on your own.

Like I said, a cocktail waitress is up to her eyes in assholes. Her defenses are way up. You have to put in the effort to bring them down if you hope to get anywhere. I'm going to assume your intentions are honorable. You don't have to marry the girl but be clear with her about where you stand. You'll probably crash and burn your first few times out so practice on women who aren't necessarily your Sophie. That way you'll be ready if your Sophie does happen to be a cocktail waitress. Interestingly enough, I've shared this process with all my teammates and it works in every country we've been to that has a thriving bar scene. One caveat: If you're an asshole, none of this will matter. But I'm not worried about that with you, Laurent.