Yup, I live still.
My apologies to my readers for my month long hiatus. As most of you already know, I've spent the month in the hospital. My transplanted kidney failed causing the initial reason for my stay. During my stay, I developed an esophageal bleed. Sounds rather benign right? Well, I've never been so scared in my life. I was crapping large quantities of blood every 30 minutes which is a lot more painful than it sounds. It got to the point where I couldn't even get up to go and had to use a bedpan. I lost so much blood that my doctors like to say that my blood quantity was "incompatible with life." I was down to 25% capacity and every time they poked me with anything, I wouldn't stop bleeding. They pumped 8 units of blood into me and somehow I didn't die before they cauterized the wound in my neck. The doctors can't believe I'm not dead. All of them say they've never seen a patient come back from such a shit state.
So yet again, I live and I don't know why.
The run down looks like this.
1. Kidney failure
2. Malignant hypertension
3. Esophageal bleed leading to catastrophic blood loss
4. Throat infection
5. Staph infection
6. Life threatening sodium levels (low)
So now I'm back on dialysis and back on the transplant list. I said once that I would rather die than be back on dialysis but that's not true. Dialysis sucks to be sure, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that I live for a reason that has yet to be revealed to me. And if suffering through dialysis is what it takes then I will endure.
I should be dead more times than I can count. I don't know how many times I've heard a doctor say that they've never seen a patient recover from such a devastating situation. It's pretty much my MO at this point. Is it just my will to live? Could it be that it's pure stubbornness that keeps me alive? I don't think so. There's got to be more to it than just that.
A lot of it is my support system. My family support system is nonexistent but my friends stepped up in the strongest way possible. Two of them dropped everything and flew thousands of miles to be by my side and to keep the doctors and nurses honest. It is certainly no exaggeration to say that I wouldn't have survived it without them. I'm grateful beyond words.
Two of my docs were really there for me too- Dr. Heath Chung and Dr. Sherwin Cheng. Both have lots to do with why I'm still alive. Dr. Chung in particular went out of his way to make me feel comfortable and develop a rapport- a skill sorely lacking in most doctors today. I've seen my share of docs in my life and most of them have been sadly lacking particularly in this all-important skill. I actually like Dr. Chung as a person and look forward to seeing him. That in and of itself contributes more to my compliance with his directives that any complicated doctor-speak ever would.
Lastly, I would like to thank all of you who took the time to call and/or write to check in on me. I’m particularly grateful to the folks of and affiliated with the USMC Security Division who kept my spirits up with calls, emails and flowers. I live in large part just to attend the next conference! I believe that a man is blessed with ordeals so that he may discover his true friends are. I have no doubt who are mine.
According to Job, happy is the man God correcteth. If that is so, then I must be the happiest man alive today because the Almighty correcteth me a lot. If only I could figure out what I’m meant to learn…
posted by Kahuna6 at 12:39 PM
7 Comments:
Phew Kahuna! We will add you in our prayers with the little Ox's at bedtime. What an ordeal.
I'm so very happy you had such good friends and docs.
I think I've mentioned that I had esophageal and stomach cancer and the docs are pretty amazed that I'm still around.
I had complications too, but nothing like yours.
My wife was 3 months pregnant when my treatment started, stayed one month with me in the hospital in NYC, and delivered our second son the day after my last chemo. In NYC a friend from law school, he was a friend, but not especially close, used to come visit every night after he got out of work after a 12 hour day. There's a lot of other stories of good that people did, and so I have to agree with you. Suffering gives other people a chance to do noble things.
I'm sure God has kept up your will because you probably already are doing something pretty important--maybe it strikes you as just normal, I think that's what defines the good man.
Cardinal Martini wrote of the Book of Job that God allows suffering in order that we might get past our childish way of negotiating with God and to choose faith despite no promise of recovery.
We'll keep a new kidney on our list!
Thanks for letting us know what you've been going through.
Best wishes,
Me
3:38 PM
D. Ox-
I must say that I did not do much negotiating with God during this ordeal. Mostly out of shame. I spend most of my day questioning his doctrine, his priest, his institutions. How disingenuous it would be of me to cry for his assistance in my hour of need. But let me be clear that I make this distinction not our of hubris but of shame.
I believe what Spinoza said. I should love God without expecting him to love me in return. We do not have a quid quo pro relationship. If He is indeed God, then I am an insignificant speck. My role is to serve and play my role, not negotiate and haggle.
But there are some or distinctions here to my mind. I believe as the Greeks in matters of courage and will. What does God know of courage? What could He know? He may the one that puts courage into my heart but I don't believe that to be the case. My courage (such as it is) is not natural to me. It failed me during this ordeal for many moments and had it not been for the support of my friends, I would not have had the will to push on. My courage is cobbled together from the disciplines of my mind. I know it because I see how it fails.
As I have always maintained, courage of a certain sort is rather easy. Jumping out of airplanes, fighting, etc... such things were easy to prepare for. But losing 75% of your blood through your ass in a short amount of time? Well, nothing really prepares you for that.
I'm still looking for my Faith. I hope He can understand that because I do so honestly.
6:11 PM
D. Ox-
In my pathetic self-absorption, I forgot to simply thank you for you well wishes. So thank you! I am happy and a wiser man because you survived your ordeal, too.
Mahalo nui loa, my friend. I gratefully accept your prayers.
Aloha,
Kahuna6
8:09 PM
D. Ox-
Nothing would give me geater pleasure than to be able to formally study with you. I don't know many men who combine a classical education and a spiritual understanding like you do.
My shame is simple. I struggle with faith and the Church. I am often a vociferous critic. I don't deny the existence of God. As I often say, I mostly feel like his favorite son. I am, however, skeptical of the men who purport to be his intermediaries. Despite all this, in my moment of need, at the point where I near death, I prayed. I prayed because I could do nothing else. Even earlier, I selfishly asked for the prayers of my friends to save my willful kidney.
I'm ashamed of that because it makes me a hypocrit. I am totally full of shit! And just as it's never a good idea to shop for groceries when one is hungry, searching for a spiritual community while most in need seems not to be a good idea to me. I know that whatever God that deserves my service will understand my tremendous hypocrisy and forgive me for it. But I have to resolve it with myself, first. Hubris? I truly hope not.
I received my formal education at institutions totally dominated by the liberal establishment. So much so that liberalism became the norm which it is clearly not. You fight a uphill battle my friend. I applaud your courage.
Aloha,
Kahuna6
9:36 PM
Oh, my friend, what a pleasure it is to lighten your load. Because you can fly away right now with the truth.
As I hope I can. You are a child of God, He loves you and He wants the best for you.
The liberal establishment has brainwashed 2 generations. This current generation is already not buying it. Their parents screwed-upness is proof enough.
I have some stuff to tell you, you may already know.
The Church is made of, duh, us. Because of that it has made nasty mistakes.
We are all sinners. You, me, Bishops and Popes.
BUT, the Bishops (and Popes) that can show descent from the Apostles have the authority, the authorization, that nobody else can claim.
The Roman Catholic (universal) Church offers the right teaching. That's what it's about, right teaching.
The exceptions (where states took over church powers) do not prove the rule. I.e. all the abuses that people claim.
Teaching about life and happiness has been consistent. States are the bad guys in the story of Western Civilization.
You make me more and more attached to you, friend!
D. Ox
10:13 PM
Can I add something?
We are all hypocrites in that we all fail to live up to our beliefs, except the saints.
Popes, bishops, priests, and nuns included. The Church, in that sense, is made up of people after all.
Mind you the worst abuses came from princes using the Church to clobber their enemies.
We know that the Lord loves a repentent sinner. And many things that people feel guilty about were necessary to do in the defense of justice.
Defending justice sometimes involves even mistakes. God understands such things better than men.
6:56 PM
More love from an anonymous dope 2,000 miles away.
Hey buddy,
Having had more naso-gastric tubes and other tubes shoved in every orifice imaginable, and some new ones they made, you have my sympathy friend!
When I came out of surgery, they had to re-insert my catheter 3 times because I couldn't pee.
Hilarious.
But don't worry me! You just need to put one step in front of the other. One step in front of the other. Keep walking. That's what got me through, that and the support of my wife and friends.
One of my bothers, whom my wife hates, used to come with his wife and read the Rosary to me. I was so out of it, but it was so good to hear.
So listen: on my webpage I have an audio file of the daily Mass readings, and also, if you go to the EWTN link, you can listen to the Liturgy of the Hours. Morning and Evening, every weekday, twice a day. I used to read those every day when I was sick. You can get a book of the liturgy of the hours, but if you have access to a computer, just go through my site. If I was there buddy, I would read them for you, but this is the best I can do from here.
The Catholic Content site has the Mass and the EWTN site has the Liturgy of the Hours.
My prayers are with you.
Tom
3:20 AM
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