Why We Must Win (in general)

I think I was 13 or so when I say this happen. It was a fight and even at that age, I had seen and participated in dozens of fights. The actual fight itself was unspectacular-- a testament to the pedestrian nature of that exchange is that I barely remember it. What happened after the fight, however, taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. After the loser was unconscious, the winner grabbed him by the back of the head, placed his open mouth against the edge of a curb and stepped forcefully on the back of the loser's head. The loser's body jerked unnaturally and then went limp. It was the first time in my life that I saw another man being killed. It was shocking.

There was a lot of talk after that incident among those of us that witnessed the scene and those who had just heard about it. The line was that the loser was killed in a fight. I didn't see it that way and I still don't. The loser wasn't killed during thefight. He was still breathing when the fight was over. He was killed after the fight as a consequence for losing the fight. And that consequence could be the end result of anyone-- whether you choose to fight or not. But what was more clear to me than anything was power. You must win a fight because lying there unconscious, you have so say to what happens to you. You are completely at the mercy of the who just beat you.

There are some folks who say that this is reason enough not to fight-- that being at someone's mercy in such a way is unacceptable. They are only partly right. It is unacceptable to be at another's person's mercy in that way. No person should willingly allow it. But winning a fight is the only way to make sure that person isn't you. You can choose not to fight but that's no guarantee that I still won't knock you unsconscious and then have my way.

It's the "coward's bargain." I learned about this bargain first in the ring because I made it myself. It was my first time in the ring with an actual opponent who stood a good chance of beating me. His first couple of strikes showed me how powerful and fast he was. Without even thinking about it, I made the coward's bargain- I don't hit him too hard, he won't hit me too hard. I spent the entire first round trying to show him my intentions to no avail. No matter how lightly I hit him, he came back at me with bad intentions. When I got back into the corner, my coach called me on it and told me he knew I made the bargain. I was deeply ashamed because he was right. I was trying not to get hurt and in the meantime, I was getting my ass kicked. Men on the battlefield do the same thing. In his book, "On Killing" LTC Grossman talks about how low the actual shoot to kill percentage rate was in WWII because soldiers often made the same bargain.

This bargain is wishful thinking at it's worst. The ability to fight and defend youself give you one very important thing. It creates the possibility of saying 'no.' Peole in our Coutry forget the consequence of losing simply because our Country has generally behaved magnaminously when we have won. But that is an aberration. That's not common or normal. Countries don't rebuild their enemies after defeating them in battle. That's something only we do and have done. But we can only act like that because we are strong. The second we lose convincingly, is the second we realize our unique place in history. There's no reason to believe at all that any other nation, having conquered us and acquired our riches, would behave towards us anywhere near as generous as we have been.

The problem wiht our Country is that losing is no longer painful or shameful. It has become too easy. Why struggle is losing is not that much different than winning? But in the real world, there is a difference and the difference is stark. We must win because that is the only way we can ensure our way of life. Winning is the most important thing. It's the only thing and we must pursue it at all costs.

When To Fight

A few nights ago, I got into a conversation with some friends about an interesting topic. It's not something often discussed anymore-- not because it isn't an issue-- but because convention has dictated that you never do it and it is always wrong. I'm talking about fighting and when to do it.

Before I get into that, I would just like to remark that in cultures where violence is not only possible but probable, courtesy is more common. I live in San Francisco and you pretty much can't buy a fight here but the asshole density rating here is among the highest in the world as far as I'm concerned. In Hawaii where I grew up, a breach in courtesy was sure to lead to fisticuffs so I learned to be respectul and pay attention to what was coming out of my mouth. I'm positive that most San Franciscans never learned this skill.

Bear in mind, when I'm talking about fighting, I don't mean beating your wife, girlfriend, kids, etc. As far as I'm concerned, a fight happens between two men. I don't care about the size differential or the relative skill levels. All that matters is that all the combatants (not necessarily 2) willingly engage in the fight. Part and parcel of being able to discuss physical violence coherently is the ability to make distinctions and this is my first, most basic one. Okay, let's get to it.

My rule about fighting is simple. If I'm scared-- even a little-- I fight. Let me back up a bit. Most people get into the martial arts to learn how to defend themselves. I could always instinctively do that. I don't remember not being able to fight. Martial arts started off as a sport and it wasn't until I was older that I realized that I could use those skills in a street fight. I know that seems strange but fighting and my sport were naturally kept separate until an instructor showed me where they intersected. When that happened, my ability to fight skyrocketed and the arts then became a technical pursuit. I still hadn't encountered the question of when to fight because at that point in my life, the answer was simple... every time the chance came up. I also realize that I was lucky to grow up in a place where this was possible. Fights were common in Hawaii. Guns were not. I might worry about being stabbed or bludgeoned to death but I never worried about being shot.

Back to my original point. If I'm scared, I fight. Why? My struggle was never with violence per se. It was with fear and more specifically, the lies fear allows us to tell ourselves to escape what we know we must do. At this point in my life, I'm not really concerned with catching a beating but I do struggle with fear everyday. One of my favorite lyrics is from a Henry Rollins song: "Please let me see the faults that my ego denies me." Mine's is more: "Please let me see the lies that fear allows me to tell myself." See what happens is that falling into the fear trap allows a person to justify cowardice. If I choose to walk away from a fight, it'll be because it's the right thing to do, not because I'm scared. Who knows the difference? Only me but in my heart, I will know the truth and if I let myself off the hook at this seminal moment, it becomes progressively easier to do that in other areas of my life.

My friend responded to this philosophy by saying that he doesn't do a lot of things because he's scared. He walks away from fights because he's afraid he might lose. To my mind, that's not okay with me. You don't get into a fight upon measuring that you can win. Where's the honor in that? You fight because it's the right thing to do. I suppose if you're one of those who thinks it's never right, this will make no sense to you. But there are plenty of good reasons to fight. If you have none, then I feel very sorry for you.

Fighting's a serious thing and should be treated seriously. I don't want anybody to think that I go around getting into fights. I haven't been in an unsanctioned altercation in almost 10 years. The interesting thing was that after of few years of this attitude, I just stopped being scared. I regularly walk away from fights and suffer none of the toxic aftermath most men have to contend with after the adrenaline rush wears off. I'm able to de-escalate many a potential fight simply because the parties involved sense no fear in me. What too many of us seem to have forgetten is that fear entices the predator and increases the chances of violence actually happening. I believe that people who chose to engage with me can feel my lack of fear and this often ends it before anything hapens. Fear is the problem. It's always been the problem and until we learn to deal with it effectively, the basest instincts of mankind will always prevail.

Some Thoughts on the South

I remain ambivalent about the South. Truthfully, the whole area would be easy for me to dismiss except for the fact that Southern people play such an important role in my life. I'm drawn to the Southern sensibility-- its courtesy and regard for tradition and patriotism. But it is this same sensibility that drives me so crazy.

I don't remember what we were discussing but my friend-- a young Southern lady of breeding and intelligence-- remarked that I had bad manners because I had corrected her. I found her comment interesting because it said so much about her on many levels. Was she saying that because she was a lady, it was rude of me to correct her? Or that it's just rude to correct a false statement in general? And clearly, this rule didn't apply to her because she was correcting me. Did she rate immunity because she was a woman or because she simply didn't see the irony.

Whatever the case may be, it really amplified my disconnect with Southern life. The idea of not correcting an incorrect idea because of courtesy seems anathema to me. Sure, I may choose to be discreet if I just met the person in question but among good friends? It that was is to be called "good manners?" No, thank you. Not for me.

And this leads me to an idea that really bothers me in general. So much of the trouble in the world is caused by people who confuse manners with customs. In the South and many other foreign traditional societies, people often see manners as a sign of character. Because of this, outsiders are often seen as lower-class or rude simply because they do not share the same customs. This is unfortunate but even more tragic is the propensity to consider a person with impeccable manners as a person of character. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Condemning a person simply because he doesn't know your provincial rules is absurd and foolish. As a rule of thumb, I try to adopt the local custom in whatever area I happen to be in but I will not do so amongst good friends who I assume already know my character and love me for who I am.

On the other hand, I've seen a level of consideration in Southern society that I haven't seen in any other part of America. Recently, at a friends wedding, I observed his sons brave the torrential down pour to bring in the guests' shoes which had unfortunately been left in the rain. Not only did they rescue the footwear, they spent the extra time to sort them out properly. And they did this without prompting and without thought of reward. I was impressed both by the young men and with their father, my friend. In fact, of the many reasons I have to be proud of this gentleman's friendship, his sons' behavior do him the greatest honor. Somebody said that you'll only find young men like that in the South. I balked at the idea but after more thought, I had to agree. I've seen behavior like that nowhere else. And while I don't believe that manners are a sure fire indicator of character, I do believe that what a person does while no one is looking surely is.

Southern woman still enjoy this priveleges position in society that makes them decidely difficult to deal with. They still enjoy and expect all the priveleges that go with being a proper lady but they are also claiming the rights and priveleges of the modern, independent woman. Personally, I don't believe that they can or should have it both ways. You either choose to be treated as an equal or you ask for the proper deference a gentleman pays a lady but either way, your behavior has to reflect the choice you make. You cannot ask to be treated as a equal and then cry foul when it gets too rough. Enduring that, asking for no quarter, is what makes you an equal. Anything less is, well... less.

I say this but at the same time, I find that desire to be both charming. Intellectually, I don't like it but it appeals to a certain part of me. I guess that makes me part of the problem even though I'm not Southern.

Baby Gator

I'd like to tell you about my friend, Baby Gator. I got to see her this weekend and was reminded why I have always been so impressed with her. At 26, she's clearly on the fast track, accomplishing more than some people do all their lives. She's funny, charming, beautiful and most of all smart. Now before you think this is degenerating into some crazy "ode," let me tell you why I'm telling you this.

BG and I were having a conversation about my new business venture. She seemed positive on the idea and at one point mentioned that she would like to come work for me and that she would even learn Chinese to do it. I was flattered. Even if she was just blowing sunshine up my ass, it was a nice gesture to say that she would work for me. But the thing that caught me were her absolute confidence in her abilities-- even to learn Chinese. Now Aristotle talks about the 5 levels of courage in the Nicomachean Ethics. While the analogy is not perfect, I could tell that BG's confidence is the courage of the optimist or the courage of ignorance. It was based on a proven track record of success in tackling difficult projects and knocking them out of the park. That's very different from the swaggering, unproven bravado masquerading as confidence that I see in most people her age.

I think few people bother to test themselves anymore against a true standard. Why--when it's so much easier to believe yourself competent. But BG's compentencies don't come from such an attitude. They couldn't. They came from being tested over and over. They developed from sacrifice. And like Bruce Campbell says, "If you've never had any of it, people just seem to know." It was nice to see my friend again and to hear about her continued success. I think she's a phenomenal example for people of any age but especially for women in their 20's.