Thoughts on Friendship 1

I got into an argument with a friend of mine the other night. I recently ended a friendship with a mutual friend and this particular person was asking me to explain myself. Very perspicaciously, I said that the person in question was a "shitty person" to which my friend did not agree. I tried to explain what I meant to her but failed miserably so we agreed to disagree. It got me thinking, however, of how little time people devote to thinking about something we all say is very important in our lives. I mean, if you ask what is most important in a person's life, "friendship" is invariably within the top 3. Shouldn't we take more care in thinking about this most precious of things?

When I said this person was "shitty", I was not talking about their morality. I don't believe that this person's transgressions contained any malice. His problem is a weakness of character. This flaw is more than a inability to admit a mistake. It's far worse than that. It's the inability to see reality and to remanufacture events to suit your conception of yourself. This is the ultimate fatal flaw because it prevents all real growth. Why would I want a person like this in my life?

My experience with friendship is different from most people, I think. Because of my life experience and the amount I've travelled, I'm fortunate to have friends over the world. In fact, it would be safe to say that I know more people in any given country that most people know, period. In "Tipping Point" parlance, I am a connector. Now, given the raw amount of people, it would be easy for me to have superficial friendships and consider everyone I know "friends." But friendship means for to me than that. If I tell you that you are my friend, what I mean to say is that if you call me at 0300 and tell me you've just killed a hooker and you need me to help you get rid of the body, I'll drag myself out of bed and find a shovel. I expect the same loyalty in return and if that's not possible (as it isn't for most people) then you are labeled as an acquaintance. I simply cannot devote that kind of commitment to everybody I know. I don't have the energy for that so I'm very selective about whom I deem "friend."

I thought this "friend" whom I recently got rid of was that type of person. I considered him one of my close circle. But then I realized that he wasn't capable of the type of loyalty I demanded. Not because he wasn't sincere. I believe that he thinks that he's that type of person. It's just that his character isn't capable of such loyalty. He is simply too self-absorbed. Now, I think most people would disagree with me. They say intentions matter. I agree. They do matter but they are required; not sufficient. I can't see him as a friend anymore because I have no respect for him. I don't hate him. I despise him as I despise all weakness-- particularly in myself. The way I see it, the world is filled with pleasant people. I need more than that for a friend. Good intentions don't matter to me if there is simply no chance that those intentions will be manifested.

Friendship is ultimately between peers. It doesn't mean you have to make the same amount of money. One of my good friendship is rich like the way small countries are rich but we can still be friends because he considers us equals in other ways. In other words, I'm as good in my field as he is in his. And that's the kind of equality that matters. I could easily forgive my transgressor if I thought he even understood what he did wrong. But he'll never admit it to himself because doing so would confirm that he's not the type of person he believes himself to be. And he simply doesn't possess the character to deal with that eventuality.